My hopes vs reality.. feeling like a FAILURE!
I have known for many years that I would home educate my children when I was finally blessed with a child.
Now that I have twins my plan still remains the same. However, the plan has been altered somewhat.
I have loved being a stay-at-home mama to my gorgeous boys. Of course, it has been challenging, (there are 2 of them), but totally worth it.
Israel and Josiah are 20 months now, and I can honestly say that they are lovely boys.
I know that every parent says that about their children and every parent has different thresholds. Mine is crying for no reason, I can’t take it.
My boys are not cry-ee babies, God truly knew a limit of mine and granted me extra grace and for that, I’m eternally thankful.
Please don’t misunderstand, my boys do cry, just not for no reason. Israel has recently been getting his top molars and it has been a nightmare. He’s been in so much pain and discomfort and it has been tough to watch him suffer.
It was worse at night and he would SCREAM, Josiah would often wake up crying because his brother had woken him. All Israel wanted was to be held and all Josiah wanted was peace to sleep.
My MS Reality
I haven’t slowed down since the boys arrived because it hasn’t been a possibility and I haven’t wanted to. However, I notice now that my MS is making it that much harder to look after the boys sometimes.
I’ve recently had 2 bouts of gastroenteritis, so of course, that virus would weaken me and my fatigue be worse than usual.
I’m not great at admitting that I need help because I am struggling, I don’t like getting pity or feeling weak.
Remember I told you about Trevor my annoying hand tremor. Well, he seems to have moved in permanently, making my life even more difficult and the physio said it’s not just a tremor but also my fine motor skills.
Anton and I have had to have tough conversations about how I’m coping, it’s hard for him to see me exhausted by 5 pm. Every time the conversation comes up, I tell him that I can handle it and will rest more.
I really do mean it when I say I am willing to push my body to the limit for my boys. I’ll do anything for them.
My best friend talked to me months ago about the possibility of putting the boys in a nursery for a few hours a week. 😮
I was horrified at the thought and couldn’t help but feel like a failure. Her point was if I don’t look after myself, how would I be able to take care of my boys. I knew she was right but I wasn’t ready to accept that I was struggling.
It is so easy to look at me and think that I have everything under control all the time. However, that is not my reality, I really struggle at times. I have become a pro at hiding my struggles, but let me reassure you, they do exist.
Here I am months later, my body is still treating me like an enemy,😠 and so I prayed, prayed for wisdom.
Mainly it was me feeling like I would be a failure if I have to send them to nursery.
Sidenote, I don’t think parents are failures or wrong for sending their children to nursery.
It just wasn’t part of my plan, I wanted to be strong enough to manage on my own.
I started to see signs that part-time nursery was my answer in different ways and at different times.
I am NOT a failure, I just have to look after myself for a little while for the sake of my husband and children.
We found a lovely nursery with a manageable walk for me.
Best of all, God gave me peace about this decision.
So as of September Israel and Josiah will be going to nursery for 15 hours a week and in that time, I plan to focus on getting stronger.
This was not part of the plan, but plans change and it’s how we adapt to change that reveals our character.